It's not that I want you...because I don't. We're better apart and while you're a good guy...I really have no idea how we lasted that long. Maybe because of the distance. I could pretend that the reason I was going insane was just because it was weird thanks to the distance. It's not even that I miss you that much...because you never really 'got' me. You never understood who I was. You saw the girl from camp. A girl that I would love to be year round but it's just not possible. You never saw my flaws as ok, you said you did...but your attitude told me other wise. Your immaturity about everything astounded me. Even when we broke up...you couldn't manage to handle that maturely either. So I don't know what it is...but it irks me that she has you. I think it's because she's what tore us apart. I had problems with her all summer...and you just ignored. Y'all were on the couch cuddling, and then y'all were talking because she just 'needed a friend'...but i saw it. I saw it changing and I tried to hold on to you and you refused to let me. I was ignored in San Fransisco. Did you know I cried? You had me so upset I burst into tears and Nick & Alyssa had to calm me down. I still can't believe you showed Christine that text.. what a bitchy thing for you to do. And you're a GUY. We talked about it...and I honestly thought she understood and was gonna stay away. Thats why I was alright with going to the aquarium with her the next day. But then you ran off with her to squeal over the otters and talk about the ocean. While I was left to walk behind y'all. I hate the aquarium...I hate the ocean...but I tried so hard that day. I tried to be interested. Tried to get you to talk to me about it...but she was there and you were too busy. Ken saw my face one time after you completly ignored me...he gave me a hug and said " I love you for trying" and I cried again. We were a little better after we left that day..and for a while I could pretend like it'd be ok. But then she started texting you...and you had a nickname for her...and plans with her. Like future plans. Plans that didn't include me. You thought I didn't notice or I didn't care...but I did. It tore me up. She was gonna come visit you to watch seaquest and y'all had such great conversations about the ocean. And she reminded you of an otter ( wtf?) and you loved that. So I left to go back home and I think one of the reason I was so inconsolable at the airport and on the plane was because I knew. I knew it wouldn't be ok after this. Well, you kept mentioning her...just little comments here and there...but everytime it bothered me. And then you were gonna spend the day with her. And you knew I wasnt happy about it...but I bit my tongue. You had soooooo much fun with her and wasnt she just the greatest. And I dealt with it,but I was already letting go. I couldn't do it anymore. And then...one day you didn't respond to my text...at all. You barely talked to me. I knew something was up. You told me finally that night that you spent the day with her...and you hesitated before you told me. You knew I was hurt. You just couldn't imagine how much. I had finally had enough. So I ended it. And you have no idea how much it hurt. But at the same time...I felt relieved. I was finally free to find someone who really cared about me. Later...when I had thoughts of taking you back...I found out that Christine had been planning to stay the night that night...that even though you knew how I felt about her...and she knew that there was no way I'd be ok with it...that you let her stay anyways. So All I can say is, Congratulations. You two deserve eachother. You didn't have the guts to make a decision. So I made it for you. And she...she knew,and she did it anyways. I hope y'all are happy. And I can say that without any malice...because I, well I think I just found the love of my life. .
I think what gets me the most is their eyes. It's their eyes, more so than their attitudes, physical scars , or even the stories themselves, horrific as they are, that get me. It's that haunted look they have. That look that tells you they have no idea if what they're feeling is ok. Hell, most of them have no idea what they're feeling. That look that so plainly says " I've been hurt, and I'm scared", that look that shows you they've been to hell and back...they've seen the devil in human form. And they will never be the same. How do you fix it? How do you relate? How do you understand even a fraction of what they're going through. When these children, they shouldn't be going through this. Not at 17. How do you let them know that it's not supposed to be like this? That life isn't supposed to be this hard. Not yet at least. Especially since we only have a week with them. And they aren't going to show you their wounds at first. At first you see a group of highschoolers coming to summer camp to have fun. Some of them just to make trouble. They're highschoolers, too cool for emotion, too cool for counselors, too cool to care. Because this summer camp isn't any special kind of camp. It's just a regular outdoor camp...so why would they be expecting to open up? But give it a few days...and you'll see the truth. Give them a few days with kids who have the same pain they do, a few days with counselors who show them only love and patience at every turn, counselors being real with them, being honest..and sharing our own stories of trials and pain. Give them that...and that mask they have...that facade of normalcy they are trying so hard to preserve...it starts to fall away. Slowly at first...a few tears at campfire, cabin talks become a little more in depth, lessons are taken more seriously. Then the big stuff happens. They want to talk with you one on one...because they have pain that they need to share..it's too much for one person and they feel like it's smothering them. So won't you please help them? Then campfires become the one place where they can let all their emotion out. A hard lesson resonates within each of them...and after campfire all they want to do is hug their friends...because right now, they're realizing that they aren't the only ones with fucked up lives. That we all feel it. So we hug and we pray. The kids pray for healing, and for it somehow to make to be better. The counselors...you pray for strength and understanding and ...help. Because nobody prepared you for this. No one prepared you for Mary-Margaret's heart wrenching story of abuse and rape. Or Laurel's confession of suicide attempts...beginning at the age of 10. Angel's physical scars...showing years of abuse. Michele being born addicted to heroin, and in her determination to avoid ever being addicted...found cutting and has slashed her wrists, arms, legs and stomach. There are hidden wounds too. Laura's mom just diagnosed of being bi-polar, tell a 16 year old how to deal with that. Abagail's mom who is manic depressive and bi-polar and suicidal. Jahlise who now takes care of her family because her dad split when he found out her mom had breast cancer 6 months ago. Realizing that Jacob doesn't steal because it's a rush...he steals because it's the only way he knows how to provide for his family. That Damian isn't just some punk who will end up in a gang...he's terrified of being like his dad..but no one has ever given him the chance to be more. So now he feels trapped. Nobody told us how it'd feel when you went to talk to CPS, or filed a report with the police. Nobody told us how unbelievably heart wrenching it would be sitting up with your entire cabin on Stephanie's bed holding her as she cries all night. Telling you all about the abuse...and watching other kids be abused as well. And how at the age of 8 she watched a mentally handicapped child be beaten. How she hears his screams in her nightmares, how she sees the blood everywhere. How she will never forgive herself for not stopping it...when we all know that at 8...no one could have expected her to do anything. And how there is nothing you can ever tell her to take away her demons. All you can do is cry with her. Just like you cried with Sabrina when she tells you about the rape. About the pregnancy that happened afterwards. And how when the guy found out... when she was 6 months pregnant, that he beat her until she lost the baby. And she feels guilty everyday that she couldn't save the baby, how she feels like a murderer. How this 17 year old beautiful girl, feels like a murderer because she can't control the universe. How sick is that? And she would give anything to take away the pain. How after she miscarried, the same guy later took turns with another guy raping her over and over again. How she's tried to take her life countless times...because she can't handle it anymore. They'll tell you it'll be hard...but nobody says it'll be hell for you. That you'll think about it every day. That all you'll ever want to do is wrap them up in your arms and keep them safe. Because it doesn't seem right. It doesn't seem right that sitting there in that room. you realize that the only thing that you can ever do is listen to them...and promise you'll never forget the story.Which is alot harder to do when you are so over come with emotion that all you can do is cry...when it feels like you're heart is shattering into a thousand pieces and every piece is on fire. It's a gut-wrenching, sickening kind of pain, one that you don't think there is any way you can survive. But you know you have to, you have to be strong for them. Because they deserve that from you. At the very least they deserve for someone to be there for them. Sit there...look them in the eye...and you'll see that haunted look. That haunted,tortured, terrified look.And then you realize...that pain that you are feeling...will never be anything compared to the hell they have been through. Because it's their eyes that show you the truth. And that while they can talk about their lives casually, almost nonchalantly and act like they are just fine. It's their eyes that tell you...it's never going to be ok.
It's not ok. It's really not. And it's not ever going to be. I don't get it. I don't get how you dont think this affects the family. I don't understand how I'm still supposed to be able to have respect...when I'm not shown any myself. We know whats going on, we're not stupid. Stop insulting us. Everything you do right now...it affects how we percieve things. What we believe about life, how were gonna live our lives after this. Why don't you get that? You're showing us that it's not worth it. Why try..because it all falls apart anyways.
I'm not. The business course was boring, the english course annoyed me, and the childhood education course basically just told me to form my own opinion about children and how they learn. I've had that down since I was 13 and teaching my little brother to read. But this psychology course...it's different. It's not even that it's hard. It's that I don't want to try. Because if I try and I can't...where does that leave me? I picked psychology partly because I'm not smart enough to be an attorney. And if I can't do this...then I can't do anything. I'm so afraid that I'm totally going to fail. I crave perfection in everything I do, I always have. That need for perfection is starting to choke me. If I can't do it perfectly then I don't want to try. I can't fail, I don't know how anymore. I don't want to study....I don't want to give myself a chance to fail. And that's all I'll be doing.
